Unnecessary Tears

Laying on the operation table was Sally, digesting the news that had been communicated to her by the doctor. She kept replaying how excited she was earlier that morning about how well the procedure would turn out bringing back so sort of normalcy to her life. What followed was only natural, the shock, the disappointment, and the blame especially why she didn’t avail herself earlier. The trail of thought was interrupted by the examination lamp being turned off and the assisting nurse informing her to head to the doctor’s office. After sitting across from the doctor and listening to the various options that would salvage the situation accompanied by the costs involved barely making sense of how she let it get this far. Roughly ten minutes later she only had one question to ask, “how long do I have?”
You would think this question was from the need to know, how much she needed to scramble up to pay the foreseeable bill, how long the options were viable so that she could discuss the way forward with her husband or even the consequences if nothing was done but in this case, she needed time to process things. Everything was spinning out of her control. The moment she left the premises, her first call was to her best friend letting her know she was on her way. She knew at that particular moment it was her kind of vibe that would ease the burden, for her family would only escalate the worry. All she wanted was to catch her breath. We all have that person who when you meet up, talk and, things seem not as dire.
Tani, Sally’s best friend knew from the tone of her voice her friend was being beaten while still down. It should be noted that Sally was not having things going her way for a while now. As a glass of wine was served by Tani in that awkward silence, Sally reached into her bag, removed her phone, placed it on the table facing Tani, and took a sip of the wine, waiting to see her friend’s reaction. “This is quite a list you’ve got”, Tani commented as she went through it. Sally had made a list of the things that she thought would have been handled better leading up to this moment in time. The what-ifs statements are our biggest demons in life and just as Tani told Sally how the list revealed the inner battles she had been having and it was time to let them go by forgiving herself on how the events on that list unraveled, so will I tell you today.
Regardless of what the list entails, we have to be familiar with it and forgive ourselves for what you did or didn’t do. Dwelling on it will only open up room for self-condemnation but with letting go and accepting things with the mindset of learning from them. Be it the good or the bad that has happened don’t feel tied down to the actions you did or didn’t do since at that moment in time that was your viable option. On Sally’s list, she highlighted how her selfless and understanding nature had cost her two solid albums and a grand tour. Her career was literally hanging on a balance. She blamed putting her family needs before hers but when asked if she would have done anything differently, she said no. This was because she had finally realized during that period of sacrifice what she initially wanted out of life and the minor mishaps in life shouldn’t define or phase her, but only remind her to stay focused on the things ahead. Yes, maybe things would have been better if she did things differently but it would have hosted her something else. For her being a renowned star would never come close to the family she had built.
Don’t let foregone choices bear a place in your life or the aftermaths of them make you feel inadequate. We are products of our choices and that is a responsibility on its own. How many pity parties will you hold before you realize that the world does not owe you anything, magnifying your misfortunes doesn’t solve the issue at hand because no one cares and if they do, you are still the one in control. Knowing how to pick up yourself fast enough when you fall, being present in the moment and not letting things that happened or will happen to make you lose momentum takes practice. The time to start is now since the worst and the best is yet to come and as I have been told, the trees are only as strong as the wind.

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THE WALK
  1. “You exhibit so much strength MY DAUGHTER, such is of its kind. I am proud of you!” These are the words that stood out of my conversation that day. It was said to me many times throughout the wakes that week but on this particular day, it captured my attention. Maybe it was the fact that it was finally unveiling right before my face that he was no longer around and it was no bad dream as I perceived before. Holding back the tears, I smiled and bid him goodbye as soon as he was done sharing his heartfelt opinions which I normally didn’t like paying attention to since most of the time he was under the influence. After that I walked away and for sure the thought went with the passing of that moment since I didn’t want to dwell so much on it, there were enough things to worry about at that point in time. Strength is one of those traits that you are either born with or develop out of the tuffs you come across in your life, guess mine came from the latter but however it did, it’s the only thing that has kept
    me moving. As the dust settled and the car disappeared into the horizon, it’s when I felt peace set in, my heart lighter for some reason and a smile covering my face. It was weird at first but somehow I thought to myself he was the kind of saint that I needed to remind me I was on the right path.
    Well, people have been asking me to speak up since 2nd of July 2017, time does fly, and (55 days) that span of time took away my voice, but never the occasional smiles and heavy tears. Losing someone has never been a big deal, since we are all headed there anyway, but when it hits close to home especially unexpectedly, it gives you an uncertain unrest that no one can understand; unless they have walked in your shoes. The loss of my dad, the man who always gave me the zeal to fight for what I wanted in life like he did, the hope and the faith that he possessed made anything you set your mind to achievable, made me lose all foresight that was within. I remember after I received the call that he had passed on, I just held onto the window grills not wanting to let go maybe it was a way for me to hold on to that little part that was left of him or I was holding onto a part of me in him I didn’t want leaving. Regardless, ever since I have been searching for a replacement, or the lost piece to my life’s puzzle, whichever that fits in well and hurts less probably. With time it dawned on me; that some things just require a little patience and an expectant heart to drive you through the darkest corners in your life, knowing that in the end everything will settle into place and that emptiness you feel will be soon refilled.
    People handle grief differently, however you’ll have to deal with it in your own terms. I slowly learnt that grief is all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. GRIEF is basically love with no place to go. It tears you apart if you don’t face it, in this area, there is no manual in the world that can help ease the pain, or prepare you for it, and you’ll just have to figure it out on your own. It is not easy but it is necessary for your growth, you will think about what could have been, what you did wrong and, even the watery eyes will be an occasional experience; but acceptance will take you a long way with easing the unrest. Such emotions can take a toll on you, for me I believe the constant support from friends and family can bring you solace. The constant visits reminds you that you are never alone, the wonderful laughs helps you to keep the positivity around your life, the prayers; I cannot begin to tell you how they have given me peace, strength and hope. This might sound cliché to most of you, but I thank God for every person who came out to make the journey a little easier; because I remember every time I could shut my eyes to talk to Marana, I just shed tears not being able to utter a word. I could not even stand being involved in a conversation with anyone about him without developing a heavy heart or watery eyes. However I remember a piece of myself keeping the faith all through, not shedding tears in the mass gatherings, in front of my friends and family. It was like for a moment I felt in control, knowing I had to be strong for my mum and family just like dad would have wanted, in those moments I saw the grace of God in my life; in that trying time, He never left my side as promised and I will be forever grateful.
    I guess as the man on the road said to me, I was handling everything well, regardless of the heavy heart I carried, the Lord gave me strength beyond measure that was seen by the world even when I could not see it. He didn’t shame me to those who wanted me to be crawling at my darkest hour, instead he
    elevated the personality that dwelled in me that helped in the healing process for both my family and I. I am still on the walk but I trust I will be fine. Keep the faith my friend.
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Too comfortable??

What could have been? A question we like tormenting ourselves with. It got me thinking as humans who are capable of letting themselves feel, can being single become too comfortable. Is it okay to be comfortable and when should you know you are slipping into that phase or rather when are you ready to get back out there? Let’s get a little narration out of the way …
Going into almost three years of not being in a serious and functional relationship, I feel like things are just working out fine. Don’t get me wrong, the previous relationship was really working out but when grief became part of it, I felt like it was a prison for my significant other and we had to call it quits,or however it went. In this new phase, I feel like you are in control of the decisions you are making and you need not run it by anyone or second guess how anyone else will be affected by it. Being able to commit your time to doing things that work and serve you, freedom as we like to call it most of the time. The part that I find ‘convenient’ is, your decisions, actions and lifestyle is only answerable to self. This is addictive and fulfilling for most people and especially for me. However, recently I asked my friends over brunch if they have been in this situation and if any of them had managed to get themselves out of it. I got some sound and interesting responses, I kept having this discussion all week and well let’s get into it.
Let’s agree that there is comfort in being single. How do you know ‘if it’s safe to wear red?’ For me and most of the responses I got, the time one is single you get to learn a lot about yourself and outlook on life. This is the time, personal growth is exponential and if done right you get to understand your strengths, weaknesses, triggers, perspective on life and how to become whole. By being whole you learn to survive and get clarity on how you want your life to pan out. Well if you are not in this path then, you need introspection. Then after all this, how do you know you are ready for the next phase, getting back in the scene?
From my personal experience and survey this is the difficult part, knowing you are ready to date again. This is dependent on how your past experience was in those relationships, and if you still have that leap of faith. If you have not found closure from the past ‘brick wall(s)’ then you need to deal with that first since that’s the only way you will find mental and emotional healing which makes you available for the dating scene. If you are past this part you are halfway there to being ready, you have done most of the heavy lifting. As my favorite quote says, don’t let the past define you, destroy you or defeat you, let it strengthen you. Second, you are ready when you are willing to share your personal space, in terms of time, mind, heart, soul; investment requires guarantee. Guess this is self explanatory. Lastly, are you actively looking for prospects? If you are, then this article is not for you. Being out there trying to find your soulmate has to be intentional not accidental.
To wrap it up, you are never fully prepared for anything but the moment you start making the first steps, then progress will be attained eventually. Do you think YOU are ready?

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