Cut Open

The last time we interacted, I shared a slight intro about the journey of the discovery of the self (https://sippingoncocktails.co.ke/2021/12/31/the-journey-of-discovering-the-self-part-1/). I had to read it again too, and now I smile as I finish it.

(Taking a deep breath) So raw, that was and will be…

I recognize that that part of me sits with me now, and I’m glad to say we got acquainted. I sat with her, my inner child, over the last two years, and she had a lot to say considering that I hadn’t listened to her in decades.

I hear her; I recognize her voice, her laughter, her tears, and her pain. We’ve sat together on numerous occasions, and I do recognize that I am home; I have always been. No matter how disorganized it is, it’s my own, and I have a whole lifetime to figure out what I want it to look like and what needs to go where.

The other side to this is that the world doesn’t stop when you are trying to crawl your way back to the living; it moves, and sometimes I hate that, but that’s the point: time goes by, chapter by chapter of the book is flipped, and if you are in a state of unlearning, learning, and healing, you’ve felt like just screaming, “STOP!!! Please, I need a minute or two. As a matter of fact, I need some time to just figure this out, and once I’m okay, I can participate in this world.”

To this day, there are moments where I sit with myself, and however grateful I am for everything the Almighty has brought forth in my journey, I just wish I had a blank slate button that reads, “Press to restart.”

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The complexities of social life… 

Yoh Back!

This is based on an ambivert’s personality.

The social construct is made to appear easy. They even say that if you cannot freely engage with others, you are the problem, and I quote, “man was made to be social.” We have tried it their way. Maybe we have achieved their expectations, but in the same breath, others have lost out on who they are.

As you get older, you hardly make friends, especially if you enjoy things or activities in solitude or those activities that attract small crowds. Taking into consideration the rise in responsibilities, the spare time you have for yourself needs to be used wisely. If you know me very well, this has become a commandment in my life.

For example, an activity may be important to you, but are you important to me? Is that activity as important to me? Those are the questions that I ask because I am equally important, or rather my needs are. It is not a selfish way of thinking; rather, it is self-full. I am always asking the question, what do I want, what do I need? I have learned that self-honesty can save you from so many misguided interactions and choices. Being self-full has made my whole outlook on life change. You only want to do things that are important to maintaining a sense of fullness in your life. It turns away from doing what everyone seems to want and eliminates jealousy and envy of the other person’s life.

Circling back to making friends, I have become more attracted to people in my field or related to it. Don’t get me wrong, I love, love… meeting new people. I wish I could be doing that daily, but it is easier to have a conversation with someone who resonates and kind of relates to the world I am exposed to daily. Why do I say this? Because you will meet these people at work, in the field, or at an event related to your interests. Once you are past the introduction and you are vibing, let me tell you for free, you won’t be talking about work. You start relating on different levels outside of the work environment.

For example, if I meet you at a work-related event, I hardly want to know what I can pick up from your LinkedIn profile, but rather, I want to know who you are as a person. Your interests, your passion, your mindset. My life is so calendarized that even for spontaneous encounters, it grows from the need/intentionality of doing the activity and/or seeing the person. If you feel like your social life is on an I.C.U. bed, you just have to be a bit intentional about it. It may be difficult at first, but by the third month, you will have established a routine. Just make sure you do it correctly, with the right energy and person(s).

I am curious to know, where and how are you doing on the social life spectrum?

Setting clear boundaries has made it a bit better. You tend to lose some friendships on the way, which may suck at first, but you enjoy it once you have found the right people who understand you and your needs. It’s a give-and-take. That mutual understanding is what makes it all effortless in the end. There will be tears, second-guessing, and lonely nights in the beginning, but it will be all beautiful in the end. I know most of us struggle here, but once you get your people, it will be like walking on a mint farm; very refreshing.

 

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The journey of discovering the SELF-Part 1

To Me… To You…

 

It’s different for each one of us

Mine intentionally began after a silent wish of healing was whispered on New Year’s by my former love

What followed was a whole three months of red puffy eyes, self-pity, and constant doubt,

They followed me everywhere, I couldn’t escape it no matter how many empty cigarette packs or the end of empty beer bottles I stared at at the end of the week.

 

Then one day it stopped but it wasn’t as simple as that.

You see there’s something about a pure wish backed with sincerity and love,

The universe has no choice but to make it happen.

 

A year of being pushed to the limit, the constant tests that came my way only directed me to what is inside

I had to look at the mirror, to stand there and not look through the image but at her, us

and had to face the fact that I couldn’t let her wish to go to waste

 

They say the only way to get over someone is by getting under someone else

This works for some and funny enough it worked for me too but

With each new interaction, flirty text, rash decision to escape the pain, the more the internal cracks kept on getting bigger and bigger,

Each trigger was like a spotlight shone on parts of me that I need to heal

The internal turmoil of having to choose to do one of the hardest things… looking in the mirror looking and seeing us for the first time

I saw a woman but looking closer I saw a fragile girl covered in self-inflicted wounds, although metaphorical was a build-up of constant self-abandonment

This has constantly shown its ugly head by being others oriented, having to put on a mask, living up to internalized acquired beliefs that no longer serve me

 

It took having to look at myself stripped bare and what was left was a shell of whom I had become… A shell of a home Read more

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Madam-President IT!

Madam President, it has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? The first … is a popular phrase being used in such circumstances, the rare circumstances when a female breaks the ice in male-dominated positions. In our eyes, we see it as progress, a ray of hope. Initially, when I was coming up with this article, I was reflecting on what it takes to get to such a position. A position of power and respect. Well, looking back on my personal journey: professionally and relationship-wise, all it takes is strength and overcoming. You have to go all out, never second-guessing yourself. I am sure most women can relate. I am not trying to belittle the struggles of men, I am sure they are there, but we have to work twice as hard to get to such a position, am I right?

In a world, where we are born as subordinates and helpers, there is a thin line that can make us slaves to the masters who are to lead. To be honest, it does bother me but I had come to terms with it, the rule of nature. However, it doesn’t mean I roll over upon command, the 21st-century woman just wants to have a seat at the table, many, close-minded folk, would see it as rebellion but how can you hear us all the way from the kitchen? C’mon. As my mentor says, if you face resistance in whatever you are doing, then you are on the right path. I remember and still notice what it looks like to be silenced, talked-over, misunderstood, and unheard. These traits inhibit progress for women in life, this current life we live. Things are progressively changing and so should we.

Silence is a rite of passage for most ladies, but wait until you have gone through it, you never want it to be a part of you. Look at me, starting a blog to discuss the issues that tend to be overlooked, it took that one moment for me to say, it is enough. Enough of, “I think she would agree… she wouldn’t mind… (him speaking on her behalf).” I know you know those phrases, you can list them, can’t you? The silence is not quite evident at first but when you realize you have been silent or silenced you will never want to be in such a position ever again. I am a firm believer, experience is the best teacher, so I won’t give you tips on how to speak up. That you will have to figure out on your own. It’s more of a personal decision, like a switch, only you who can turn it on or off. However, I will give you something better, how to never be silenced again. One, remember how it felt to be silenced or silent, two, remember you speak for those yet to gain their voice, and three, remember it (the movement for change) is bigger than you, so every individual contribution is key.

Talked- over, a character that is somehow human nature to some, especially those who lack patience, listening skills or are just arrogant. We as male and female have experienced this trait. However, most of the time especially in the workplace, you find those characters who interrupt you when speaking, voicing an opinion, solution, or who think since they are entitled to have a say on everything due to their position or worse because you are a female. Good news, you just have to be louder, bring in the thunder once in a while, but respectfully, to overcome this. They say command the room, I say command every position you hold in life. Being nice will get you far, to get further you need to reassert your role.

Finally, if you can bag overcoming the first two, then you will be heard and once you are, they will understand you. Understand us, us as the female gender so that we can get the equity we need in every aspect of life. Which will eventually lead to equality. Being heard and understood is something that is beyond your control. An individual decision. You just have to hope and pray the listeners are open and mature enough to do so. So, the next time, your role is questioned because you are a female, take a deep breath and own them, own that position so that they never forget it. Madam-president it! 

https://sippingoncocktails.co.ke/2021/03/07/peachy-monday/

 

If you want a male insight on any of the topics discussed so far, let me know.

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Peachy Monday

 

Standing and Celebrating Women, I can do all day, ‘WE’ can, but today the whole world is doing it in unison.

Happy International Women’s Day, Queens!

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Cost of Conformity

Call me crazy but in a hushed tone, call me unworthy in your small circles but since you are not aiding me in any way, then mind your business. These are but the few thoughts that came to mind when I recall how Greg narrated a horrendous encounter to me. However, till this very minute, I keep wondering how can we prevent such uncouth acts from being socially acceptable. Rick may have survived but the scars he carries have forever rewritten his fate.
Our mutual friend Rick was just but a victim of this menace the society had created. Mostly due to lack of knowledge, growing egos but more so secrecy. In a society that prides itself on beliefs and culture, you can imagine the lengths they would go to to protect its existence. It may seem harmless at first but one thing is for sure the consequences never fail to make their presence known.
Growing up Rick was a normal kid, normal as they come. All the boxes were checked but growing up in an unconventional family back then was not common. Definitely, it affected him but never did it make him shy away from living a normal life at the very least. Fast forward to his young adult life, it all started well, bagging the degree, finding a nice girlfriend if not the rare love that many talk about, and living a comfortable life. These new and exciting experiences did not mask the fact that his family had issues that no one bothered to talk about openly even amongst themselves. This secrecy and lack of knowledge on why his mother left, why the father had different personas especially after his late-night drinking, and why there was so much violence in the house, never bothered him, as they say, whatever you don’t know won’t hurt you.
A couple of years later, as he was about to father his first son, all hell broke loose. We started seeing Katie, Rick’s girlfriend have bruises and her bubbly-self was clearly on a vacation. We tried to enquire why there was a dark cloud hanging over the couple’s shoulder after their excitement of being parents and Katie revealed that our friend had not been himself. As part of the bro code, the guys had a sit-down with him to understand what was going on. Let’s just say that’s how our monthly Sunday brunches came to an end as a squad, Rick had cut ties after that encounter.
Soon Katie was laying her eyes on her newborn son and we all made sure to show up for her. It was smooth sailing even for Rick, he was over the moon at that moment, no tantrums or mood swings, just pure happiness. I remember Rick’s father requesting for him to be named after him, but the mother would not allow it. She didn’t want to be associated with the family that had caused her trauma during her pregnancy and more so her children. This ‘disrespect” according to African culture made the Lion and his cub have a scuffle later that evening that even led to the Lion, Rick’s father have a fractured shoulder. Rick left immediately and went missing for a day only to be spotted by various individuals naked, drunk, and heading to his mum’s residence. In these hours he had been beaten up and abused by passersby for being unruly since he should not behave that way in this society.
I remember when Greg shared how they found him at his mother’s house, bleeding and full of dirt, only for his mother to provoke the neighbors to beat some sense into him, rather than restrain and calm him down. I shed a tear. If betrayal had levels then I think this would be the highest of them all. Don’t get me wrong, I understand how scared one will be in such a situation. A ‘mad’ man more so your son coming at you like that but can you imagine the psychological damage Rick experienced in just twenty-four hours? In my opinion, some things stick with you and this is one of them.
Later, we came to know the father’s side of the family had the bi-polar syndrome. A mental illness that is quite common but still not known by many. You can imagine the damage that had occurred but avoided if this information was publicly known to even Rick. I can imagine the seclusion the family went through from the extended family. It may be the reason why the mother left but since no one talked, the whole family suffered the consequences of negligence and secrecy. I remembered asking if Katie knew that her son could suffer the same fate in due time and if she was ready to take up the responsibility of ensuring Kyle, her son, would have a chance to live a normal life. Now as we speak, Rick is part of the things that fell apart in his life, not wanting anything from the world but to be felt to be.
Why this story, you may ask? Nothing is bad in this life in this world like dying or killing both in the literal and figurative sense of things due to ignorance. It was clear, that his behavior in whatever ‘episode’ he experienced that he wasn’t sane. However, you find the masking of the illness by the society will be due to drug abuse, true or not, it may be the trigger but it is never the cause. The moment, we, as a society can cease conforming to this cultural mindset is when most of our issues will find a solution. Leading to better care, awareness, laws, and insurance on matters of mental health. Sometimes I feel a revolution may be the only way to wake this sleeping society.

Open to comments, opinions, and discussions 🔍.

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Are You It?

I don’t take pride in engaging in politics or its talks but somethings cannot be ignored anymore. This can be attributed to the fact that I am looking at things from the outside; but at the same time, I am part and parcel of the lives our leaders are gambling with. Let’s be able to decipher the situation we are in, by first listing facts. Fact number one is this country is continuously being a constitutional outlaw. The rule of law is what keeps systems working, if it is not observed, we can as well govern ourselves. I mean, we are fighting for our freedom and rights all over again. The one thing that our forefathers shed blood for so that it would be our reality. Therefore, when someone(s) tend not to respect such sacrifices makes you question if they have our best interests at heart. The way things are being done out here is just wrong, the arms of the government cannot even do their work independently without having an outside influence. We have to accept there have been puppet masters since the beginning of time but the rule of law kept them at armlengths, or maybe they couldn’t remain at bay. Whatever the reason is, cannot justify the reality we are living. The sad part is the only people getting away with this lawlessness are those in power, having no respect for the positions they hold and what the ripple effects of their actions are.

I, personally thank the Linda Katiba team, we need more people to be brave enough to ask the questions and even oppose reforms that are being spread out of context, with bias. You cannot be selling half a narrative in the name of looking out for the interests of citizens. The full story is what we need so that one can fully be aware of the burden we are willing to carry for the benefit of progress. To be honest, we cannot be out here revising a constitution that is barely being applied. The ages of being blinded and having closed-door meetings to make decisions that are affecting masses, cannot be allowed. If you are not bringing everyone to the table, we can as well stop asking us for support on the matter. The most disgusting thing is the personalization of the narrative, making it a one-man/group show while it is collectively ours. It’s clear that every party is getting something out of it, what is Wanjiku getting is the question. What is our price?

Fact number two is most of the things in the 2013 manifesto have not been fulfilled. With that said, the evasion of responsibility by both the government and the opposition is clear. Their association has become a grey area which has made them not do their jobs effectively for the citizens. It started with the government being against itself, individuals not doing the work allocated and if they do, their interests come first. Then, it went to undo the damage, well, that’s proving to be an impossible task for the three arms. Now, the interests have shifted to the future, neglecting the present. Putting band-aids on the major wounds on the citizens.

Our candidates are about to do their national exams and they are so many uncertainties surrounding them. It is a frightening season for them as it is and with a short period, they had to cover their course work, how prepared are they? For those in high-risk areas, I am sure their concerns are way dire. Can we surely have such inhumanity, our children need us but we are caught up with politics. They need support from all avenues to get through to the other end. The unrests from the students should not be taken lightly and going back to corporal punishment is NOT the answer, all parties need to meet and talk out the issues at hand and refrain from having a blame game. At higher learning institutions, things have not been easy, but the economy as an entity is not making things easier for graduates. The gap in the system of education and the job market cannot be ignored anymore if we move on like this, unfortunately, the WHEELBARROWS will be the only viable solution. Let’s not even talk of the unmotivated employees working in the public service to cater to citizen needs. We all have horror stories or distasteful experiences with government offices, Utumishi Kwa Wote seems to have been reduced to just a slogan.

Final fact, the future is uncertain, so why not work for now. The legacy package sounds nice but cannot happen without an impact. Impacts are to happen to others, not oneself. The kind of world to live in and the kind of life to live governs the formation of a legacy. It draws us back to figuring out what is important. If both are positively clear then we can move, but even if there is the slightest doubt, miscalculation, or sniff of fishiness, then we cannot sit and wait for regression to happen. The growth of the economy is on debt, which is fine, but why not invest the money to grow the primary industries? Industries that will sustain the economy, unless that is not the mission. Most of the time, history will judge you for the world you created not what you created for the world.

I implore everyone who is reading this and your blood is boiling with rage, disappointment while feeling powerless, I am here to remind you, YOU are NOT. Don’t sit back and watch, it is the time to act. In any way, small as it is, we can do it. Think like a company, a society, a family, an individual on how to better the situation for us all. individual responsibility equals collective work which is what we need. How to start, by ensuring you engage your circles openly on the country’s leadership, get knowledgeable on what is happening by asking ourselves the relevant questions; is it helping my current situation, secondly, is it going to help the generations to come and, lastly, is it sustainable (does it have longevity) over a substantial amount of time. By doing so you create awareness, knowledge is power. Let’s not sit, while we shy away from our responsibility as citizens to hold everyone representing us accountable. Remember, seeing the bigger picture should only clarify your current frame on where to focus on to be able to create it. Only a lion can ROAR. Are you brave?

 

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The Last Kick

As she lay on the floor, hoping she had not sustained any injuries, only one thought was in her mind, “This can’t be the rest of my life.” She gathered her strength and got off the ground as the car drove off. Gina dusted her sides as she tried to figure out how to get home past curfew, no taxi services were working at the time. When she headed to the gate and see if the watchman had some ‘connections’ on how to solve her predicament, she heard a familiar voice call her name which made her look back, and there he was, Frank, staggering his way towards her. He had been her date that night. She aborted her mission and tried to get to him, sat him on a chair at the lounge area so he could figure out if he was alright. No visible bruises on the man’s face just roughed up knuckles, which was a relief for her. Frank got into a scuffle with the ‘animal’ (he can’t afford a name, he shouldn’t be walking among us even), who had manhandled her, in the name of defending my honour. It may be noble but it didn’t change what happened. At least in his drunken state, he couldn’t feel the pains he had sustained, if any, so she advised him to stay put as she sorted out a ride home. Eventually, Gina was able to get her friend and herself home. However, as she reflected on what she could have done differently and the culprit trying to apologize, one thing she knew, no matter who you are with and how careful you are, it was something out of anyone’s control.

Gina’s story is one of the many that most of us can relate with, either personally or by association with one who has gone through it. You head out with your pals for a good time, meet other people, who you know or your pals do, and hang out with but then when they have passed their limit their true colours show. It maybe confrontations, physical abuse, or even emotional, but it is in those moments many have developed scars. However, we have normalized or made it okay for people to behave in such a way in the name of being intoxicated. Unless, it becomes fatal but even then, many will shrug it off.

GBV by definition is any form of violence directed at a person based on their gender, can be physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse, threats, coercion, and economic or educational deprivation, done in public or private. From this definition, I would like to draw focus on how these acts are prevalent when drugs and alcohol abuse is involved, based on a study carried out in Cape Town, South Africa. This is a challenge that cuts across everywhere. Most people who have this disease running through them have underline issues and when sober they don’t have that ‘superiority’ that comes with being buzzed. It is in those moments they feel the need to let that pride reign, that ego to get lose and the moment anyone who threatens to question that ‘safe and untouchable’ space they retaliate to show dominance.

In the African setting many experiences it at home, most choose to stay because they either justify it as being a moment of weakness for the oppressor or being normal as part of their upbringing. In a corporate setting, most people choose to be silent about it as a show of strength (I can handle it mentality) or they want to maintain harmony with everyone in the office. Contrary to popular belief, 95% of women go through or have gone through it, and how they have handled it has shaped who they are at this moment in time. If you think back, how often you have encountered these acts, you’d be surprised how often it is and the fact that the society has normalized it in the entertainment joints and the law has failed to work to curb the situation in all these settings has left the women vulnerable.

Gina shared her story with me hoping to get a solution and maybe even confirm if she was indeed a victim. I remember her words, “I don’t care how drunk he was, him throwing me out his car, physically manhandling me, is no excuse. I hope he gets what’s coming to him. I could have easily died.” The sense of bitterness and helplessness that I felt in her words is something I wouldn’t wish on any human being. She is past it, but it doesn’t guarantee it will never happen again and that is what we as feminists are trying to avoid. Gina was lucky since she could walk away in one piece but others don’t have that privilege. It is each and every person’s responsibility to make sure we are knowledgeable enough to end the victim and oppressor narrative in the society by normalizing calling out our friends and family who make us or others feel unsafe. Always looking over your shoulder is a life no one should live. It is our nature as human beings to be humane and if we part from those ways, it only makes us animals, just like those in the jungle.

GBV is something that affects us directly or indirectly, with that said, let’s just make sure we can lessen the frequency if not curb the issue. The mindset of normalizing violence in our life is not something we should take lightly, a discussion that should be had by all. Say No to GVB and no to violence of any form.

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What’s your price?

I received a call from one of my old friends late last month. Initially, the call was weird, you know, the ones where there is an awkward silence on both ends for the first ten seconds, feeding my woke nature, it lasted longer due to the thievery in these streets. After what seemed to be a cat and mouse game, the other end of the line had a familiar voice, recognizing my identity, inquiring on my state, and asking me to say something. Still in a state of confusion, trying to think on my feet on what should follow, I immediately asked to verify my suspicions on who it could be. Long story short, he wasn’t forthcoming with that information, and his final remarks were,” I just wanted to hear your voice.” Me being me, it didn’t bother me as much, don’t get me wrong, I thought of using Truecaller to find out who it was, but deep down, I didn’t want to confirm my suspicions.

Soon after, a day or two later, I receive an email. From it, I came to know who had made that mysterious call and why he decided to reach out. I had so many questions, so I decided to call back and better understand the email sent. The email read,

I know from the moment you see my email address, you will have second-guessed opening it. But if you have come this far then, I guess I owe you at least an explanation. Yes, I was the one who called you acting all strange on Wednesday evening. I apologize for that; all I wanted to hear was a familiar voice. I know it has been close to four years since we last talked, probably not even wanting to hear from me after the fall out we had, but here I am. Congratulations on moving your writing from unsorted pieces of paper in a box to the world for them to resonate, learn, and grow from it. I surely have. From hopping in and out of rehab to taking back control of the rails, you have been that voice for me. I remember straight out of campus, you telling me to define what making it in my book looked like, me laughing and saying confidently,” Kuwakunywa na hiyo pesa!” You laughed and asked at what cost. I didn’t reply, but we both knew I would make it my reality by any means necessary. I guess that was the last few conversations I remember before, you know, things went south. Still paying the price, I guess.

Fast forward to currently, after I reached out to find out how he was fairing, a bit beat up but with lessons is what you will notice. I always say we are a product of our choices, a bitter pill to swallow, I am sure but true. The story of Sean’s choices is just one of the many that we never get to hear about. I am not about to narrate it but remind you that the power of choice will make you or break you. What I have grown to know this far in adulting is that if you want to succeed, find out what it will cost you and pay for it. However, what we forget is if along the way or at the beginning is, if the price is too expensive, you are free to walk away. There are many ways to skin a cat. History will remember you by how you choose to do it. Being at peace is something you can’t gamble on, so don’t start now.

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Torchbearers

To the heroes who have made a difference without the need of a cape … The ones who have stirred up the need to make a difference. The ones who made us dare dream and bring out the best of ourselves to the world. The ones who make us have sleepless nights because we have not achieved what we vowed to do. The ones who lay in our subconscious reminding us we are powerful beyond measure, them, who keep us going even when systems beat us while we are down.
Many might remember them as those who would make our lives more complicated, making us question why we needed to know the scientific symbol of titanium, ‘itanisaidia wapi’, but in hindsight he/she made you realize who you are. Your likes, dislikes, what interests you, what doesn’t, you got a definition of who you are and what you want from life through them. Some have/had a comical aspect to their teachings, others you would feel the passion in their delivery of content, while others, you would question how they made it as far in their profession with the questionable incompetence portrayed, making some of us student and teacher at the same time. For the few who just stumbled upon our paths, offering direction as a result of hitting a brick wall, you stand represented.
In it all, their role goes unappreciated, in whatever capacity they played, you are a product of them. Either like them, if not better, or worse than them. Yes, you heard me worse! That is why it pains me to see such footwork go to waste when the outside world does not do its role as well, making all parts look foolish after the work put in. It has gone to the extreme of having us unlearn the ways taught to us in the hope we can finally get fruits from the labour, leaving most of us frustrated, angry, if not MAD! If asked, many of us would not fight to get back sanity into the system, they’d rather destroy and rebuild it. For the war is greater than our battles.
Regardless, as of these heroes met earlier in life or later may they continue igniting and reigniting the spark. We want more of them in this world, those who inspire and give hope, it is just those simple ingredients that make us fight another day. To them, our teachers, mentors, lighting our ways, today may we light them to the world.

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