Relationships by Anonymous.
This week I am privileged to share a piece authored by one of my closest friends in my circle. It takes a lot for someone to trust you with their work, let you fine print it to make a masterpiece. I am humbled by this. Today I get to publish her views about courtship lessons learnt.
“I have been reflecting on my past often in the last few months, especially my previous romantic relationships. Reflection used to be scary to me, the thought of having to look through those old, battered pages that still leave a slight throb in my chest? Hell no!! I did end up doing it though, now they are distant memories and hopefully one day become experiences that have taught me a lot including the following:
Toxic Tolerance. It sounds a bit heavy but reflection requires one to face the truth head-on, brace yourself this might cause some triggers. I used to surround myself with people and ended up creating toxic patterns around such relationships, it occurred to me that I was attracting my own unhealthy energy. Let me explain, I struggled with positively nurturing my self-image and self-love from a very young age and carried the same with me when choosing a partner or a friend. I confused unhealthy attachments and dependency for love or an unhealthy form of love which led me to gravitate towards people who drained, abused, and gaslighted me often because I believed that was what I deserved, it was all familiar because I did it to myself.
Self-forgiveness. On this one, you need to pay attention. Forgiving myself has been a tough hill to climb, it requires reflecting on the painful thoughts and the trauma that I have experienced. There were times I would make a slight mistake and punish myself by holding onto that mistake and felt as though a looming punishment was coming. The negative thoughts were punishment enough although a harshness that I did not need to direct inwards. This would manifest in my romantic relationships mostly during arguments, I took the blame and walked on eggshells going out of my way not to piss my partner off in the slightest way, in my head I couldn’t make the slightest mistake or something bad would happen. I’m still learning how to forgive and let go of my mistakes. I’m a perfectionist, I hold on to control like a koala holding on to a branch so tightly because I feel lost without control. I am still taking it a day at a time forgiving, unlearning, and letting go of my mistakes and bad habits.
Self-worth. It may sound cliché, but most of us seem to forget this ingredient in our lives. I was constantly putting myself in unhealthy situations and letting go of friendships and/or relationships, which would have bloomed into something genuine. Simply thinking I do not deserve a person who’s genuine or who’ll treat me right because “I get bored easily or I enjoy the excitement.” Lack of this simple but expensive character will make people walk all over you and lose respect for you. Treating myself and my body kindly, manifesting peace, love, and energy (sounds like kumbaya) every day because I deserve that much, we all do. A very close friend of mine sang this song to me so many times during this tough journey that stuck with me all through, “You have to love yourself, think of it as filling your glass with love, overflowing love that when you are building relationships, you give genuine love to your loved ones without your cup running out. In hindsight, I agree experience is the best teacher, without going through the dark times I wouldn’t have become the person I am now. I have come to appreciate that I deserve good things too. My inner circle taught me how to create and maintain boundaries in relationships and stand up for myself if anyone dares to breach them. Moreover, to stand up for myself for I am worthy.
Individuality. How many times has someone uttered this to you or you’ve uttered this to someone else? When was the last time you described yourself in detail without pulling someone else in the picture? You need to stay alone for a while to be able to do so. You need to bring your views and perspective to a relationship not just go with your partner’s flow. The urge to know myself came when I became intentional about it, this meant bye-bye dating world for a while. It was hard at first, I had forgotten how to be alone, I was too dependent on people but now I had to rely on myself. It started with the little things such as doing things I’ve always wanted to do but found an excuse not to, tapping back into my interests and hobbies, taking opportunities that come my way, and taking more risks like writing this haha. Soon it manifested into me wanting to be more intentional with the things and being conscious while I’m doing them. The freedom of not having to care what other people think of me has been a stepping stone to self-acceptance and self-love. I am still learning how to embrace my good, bad, my weaknesses, my darkness, and my light every day. I had to accept who I am, define who I am, and recognize the power I hold as I nurture my belief in myself.
Ask for help. In all kinds of relationships, you need to seek counsel from the wise and experienced or those who are in a similar situation. Sometimes it requires help for you to recognize a bad relationship, to walk away from it, or fix it. This may all sound like rainbows and butterflies because to me it is, self-discovery was a gift to myself. I was in what felt like a never-ending pit of darkness and negativity in my mind and it honestly felt like a prison while my conscious state took a backseat to what felt comfortable. I was in a toxic cycle and decided to break it. The will and energy to choose a better version of me that deserves and manifests good while working towards it daily is worth it. Don’t get me wrong, the journey full of ups and downs. I wouldn’t have done any of this without support. There are moments I feel like indulging in negative self-talk or going back to what’s familiar, but I reach out for help, I am lucky that I have the few who remind me to love and want more for myself. Whomever that trusted person is, they’ll always pick you up during the slip-ups and the breakdown and reminds you that … Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
My parting shot: There are traumas we go through whether big or small, none is invalidated but we have to reflect, heal, and forgive to move forward and seek happiness within ourselves.”