THE WALK – Sipping on cocktails

“You exhibit so much strength MY DAUGHTER, such is of its kind. I am proud of you!” These are the words that stood out of my conversation that day. It was said to me many times throughout the wakes that week but on this particular day, it captured my attention. Maybe it was the fact that it was finally unveiling right before my face that he was no longer around and it was no bad dream as I perceived before. Holding back the tears, I smiled and bid him goodbye as soon as he was done sharing his heartfelt opinions which I normally didn’t like paying attention to since most of the time he was under the influence. After that I walked away and for sure the thought went with the passing of that moment since I didn’t want to dwell so much on it, there were enough things to worry about at that point in time. Strength is one of those traits that you are either born with or develop out of the tuffs you come across in your life, guess mine came from the latter but however it did, it’s the only thing that has kept
me moving. As the dust settled and the car disappeared into the horizon, it’s when I felt peace set in, my heart lighter for some reason and a smile covering my face. It was weird at first but somehow I thought to myself he was the kind of saint that I needed to remind me I was on the right path.
Well, people have been asking me to speak up since 2nd of July 2017, time does fly, and (55 days) that span of time took away my voice, but never the occasional smiles and heavy tears. Losing someone has never been a big deal, since we are all headed there anyway, but when it hits close to home especially unexpectedly, it gives you an uncertain unrest that no one can understand; unless they have walked in your shoes. The loss of my dad, the man who always gave me the zeal to fight for what I wanted in life like he did, the hope and the faith that he possessed made anything you set your mind to achievable, made me lose all foresight that was within. I remember after I received the call that he had passed on, I just held onto the window grills not wanting to let go maybe it was a way for me to hold on to that little part that was left of him or I was holding onto a part of me in him I didn’t want leaving. Regardless, ever since I have been searching for a replacement, or the lost piece to my life’s puzzle, whichever that fits in well and hurts less probably. With time it dawned on me; that some things just require a little patience and an expectant heart to drive you through the darkest corners in your life, knowing that in the end everything will settle into place and that emptiness you feel will be soon refilled.
People handle grief differently, however you’ll have to deal with it in your own terms. I slowly learnt that grief is all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. GRIEF is basically love with no place to go. It tears you apart if you don’t face it, in this area, there is no manual in the world that can help ease the pain, or prepare you for it, and you’ll just have to figure it out on your own. It is not easy but it is necessary for your growth, you will think about what could have been, what you did wrong and, even the watery eyes will be an occasional experience; but acceptance will take you a long way with easing the unrest. Such emotions can take a toll on you, for me I believe the constant support from friends and family can bring you solace. The constant visits reminds you that you are never alone, the wonderful laughs helps you to keep the positivity around your life, the prayers; I cannot begin to tell you how they have given me peace, strength and hope. This might sound cliché to most of you, but I thank God for every person who came out to make the journey a little easier; because I remember every time I could shut my eyes to talk to Marana, I just shed tears not being able to utter a word. I could not even stand being involved in a conversation with anyone about him without developing a heavy heart or watery eyes. However I remember a piece of myself keeping the faith all through, not shedding tears in the mass gatherings, in front of my friends and family. It was like for a moment I felt in control, knowing I had to be strong for my mum and family just like dad would have wanted, in those moments I saw the grace of God in my life; in that trying time, He never left my side as promised and I will be forever grateful.
I guess as the man on the road said to me, I was handling everything well, regardless of the heavy heart I carried, the Lord gave me strength beyond measure that was seen by the world even when I could not see it. He didn’t shame me to those who wanted me to be crawling at my darkest hour, instead he
elevated the personality that dwelled in me that helped in the healing process for both my family and I. I am still on the walk but I trust I will be fine. Keep the faith my friend.