The journey of discovering the SELF-Part 1

To Me… To You…

It’s different for each one of us

Mine intentionally began after a silent wish of healing was whispered on New Year’s by my former love

What followed was a whole three months of red puffy eyes, self-pity, and constant doubt,

They followed me everywhere, I couldn’t escape it no matter how many empty cigarette packs or the end of empty beer bottles I stared at at the end of the week.

Then one day it stopped but it wasn’t as simple as that.

You see there’s something about a pure wish backed with sincerity and love,

The universe has no choice but to make it happen.

A year of being pushed to the limit, the constant tests that came my way only directed me to what is inside

I had to look at the mirror, to stand there and not look through the image but at her, us

and had to face the fact that I couldn’t let her wish to go to waste

They say the only way to get over someone is by getting under someone else

This works for some and funny enough it worked for me too but

With each new interaction, flirty text, rash decision to escape the pain, the more the internal cracks kept on getting bigger and bigger,

Each trigger was like a spotlight shone on parts of me that I need to heal

The internal turmoil of having to choose to do one of the hardest things… looking in the mirror looking and seeing us for the first time

I saw a woman but looking closer I saw a fragile girl covered in self-inflicted wounds, although metaphorical was a build-up of constant self-abandonment

This has constantly shown its ugly head by being others oriented, having to put on a mask, living up to internalized acquired beliefs that no longer serve me

It took having to look at myself stripped bare and what was left was a shell of whom I had become… A shell of a home made up of a concoction of abandonment, hate, sadness, and emptiness

I took it out on others, convincing myself that comp-het will cure me eventually, denial of who I am and constantly running from myself, our home.

When you reach rock bottom in an aspect of life, you either stay there or fight like hell to come back, and whichever you choose,

Choose it with all the audacity and say it with your chest. I did, standing in front of the mirror spewing all I thought of us the vile words that I wouldn’t repeat to my worst enemy was my awakening

Talk about Karacter development!!

To acknowledge those words, my actions and trends were hard but turning them around, unlearning, and climbing out of that hole was harder

I acknowledge now that it worked for my betterment

The internal turmoil this year has been filled with a lot of hate of self but with an underlying stench of internalized homophobia

I have used people, I have lied to myself and rejected myself over and over again

With each new person, I have ended up with it felt like I was in the passenger seat watching my adult self, make decisions that held us back

I’ve always felt like I had a mask on, the mask that kept on draining each breath out of me

That led me to create this facade that I and many of us keep up centering around others rather than ourselves

It’s time to come home and this 2022, that’s all I ask

for a Homecoming…

Signed Anonymous.