Outside but In

Amani means peace. This was one of the frequent responses I received from her.
Everyone must have a ‘her’ in their life and in my case I have more than one. First, before I start on this article, I would like to dedicate this piece to my friend, my student, my distant ‘mum’, our peace, may she continue resting.

There I was having to deal with another loss. This time around, it was familiar and new at the same time. However, this time, moving from denial to acceptance was fast. Experience, maybe coupled with proper knowledge and life in general took away the time to really live in such a moment for too long. This time round I was equipped and that did not help as I could not ease the pain of those around me who were experiencing this mix of emotions for the first time. All I could do is pray and be there for them in the best way I know how from my past experience.
Be as it may, it frustrated me knowing I could not help, I was looking in from the outside. My hands were tied and all I could do was guide. Not sure if I did a good job as most people don’t like unsolicited opinions, either way, my target audience was not most people … so, I took courage in that.
I remember when we first met, I was dealing with my loss as is, going through the 5/ 6 phases depending on the therapist and she always thought I was much more courageous than she, at least my façade had everyone fooled. In some way I was, I was determined to change my situation. One thing people don’t tell you is that grief is draining. It literally sucks the life out of you and the longer you are in that space, the harder it is to regain it all back. She was a great listener. It is harder to find such people nowadays. I recall her daughter calling and explaining how I needed to approach our first encounter. I was on the other side of the call reassuring her that I am cool ‘pips’.
We shared so much over the years, her telling me her stories, describing what she wished she had done, and above all what she wanted to do. Like any teacher, you become very attached to your students. The weekly visits were something I looked forward to. As much as I taught her, she gave me lessons as well that’s what students do, refine you. I somehow made a new friend, she’d share her travel plans, ideas, dreams, fears, and above all, her wisdom. I thank God to have met her, the youth in her was admirable.
As our encounters lessened and turned into phone calls, I understood; she kept the faith even in her trying times and that’s what comforted me. Her peace was enough, and it was. Never lacking, never wavering. I pray that at least half of it was left in her family, who has soon become mine. As they go through their journey, one that can only be taken alone, my everyday prayer is they find peace. Her kind of peace. AMANI. As I am outside looking in, that’s all I can offer, as I try to help assimilate them back to the life that never stopped. Just like they did. In this together.

In pain, in sorrow, in happiness, in everything, this is to her, to her family, and to anyone who needs that peace.